The number one thing to get out of the book: “An increased tendency to think in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own – it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.”

The deepest urge in human nature: “The desire to be important.”

Part I: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1 “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

• Principle: “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.”
• People don’t blame or criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be
• “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
• Reward people for good behavior rather than punishing them for bad behavior
• People are ruled by emotions, not logic
• “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.”

2 The Big Secret to Dealing with People

• Principle: “Give honest and sincere appreciation.”
• The only way to get someone to do something is by making them want to do it
• People’s deepest urge is the desire to feel important
• Give people appreciation and they will feel important
• Be eager to praise and dislike finding fault – “be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”
• Your ability to arouse enthusiasm among people is a great asset. You can do this with appreciation and encouragement. You destroy it with criticism.
• Don’t give flattery, be sincere in your appreciation
• Try to figure out the other person’s good points then give honest, sincere appreciation

3 “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”

• Principle: “Arouse in the other person an eager want”
• People are self-interested. Everyone is only interested in what they want.
• “So the only way on Earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
• Ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?”
• “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own” – Henry Ford
• When we have a brilliant idea, you can let the other person think it’s theirs

Part II: Six Ways to Make People Like You

1 Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

• Principle: “Become genuinely interested in other people.”
• People are only interested in themselves
• You can make more friends by becoming interested in other people than you can by trying to get other people interested in you
• “If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”
• Greet people you see with animation and enthusiasm
• Your interest must be genuine and sincere

2 A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

• Principle: “Smile”
• A smile conveys – “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you”
• A smile is powerful even when unseen – it comes through your voice. Therefore, smile even when talking on the phone
• “You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.”
• If you don’t feel like smiling – force yourself to smile. It will make you feel happier anyways.
• If you don’t feel like smiling – think happier thoughts. You are in control of them.

3 If You Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

• Principle: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
• People are more interested in their own name than in others. People are proud of their names.
• Make the effort to remember names and use them a lot – this acts as a compliment. However, if you forget it or misspell it you are showing them disrespect
• The easiest ways of gaining good will is by remembering names and making people feel important
• A name makes the individual unique and sets them apart. Using it makes them feel important

4 An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

• Principle: “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.”
• It is very flattering to give someone your undivided and exclusive attention
• Even the most chronic complainer and arguer can be subdued by a patient, sympathetic listener that is just silent while the other pours out all their venom
• Complainers just want a feeling of importance. Give it to them by listening. Say that you understand how they are feeling and that you would feel the same way if in their shoes
• Ask questions that the other will enjoy answering

5 How to Interest People

• Principle: “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”
• “…all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

6 How to Make People Like You Instantly

• Principle: “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”
• Ask yourself, What is there about this person that I can honestly admire?
• Law: “Always make the other person feel important.”
• “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
• “Be hearty with your approbation and lavish in your praise” – Charles Schwab
• Show respect with subtle phrases like “I’m sorry to trouble you”, “Would you mind”, “Won’t you please”
• Most people you meet will feel superior to you in some way. Let them realize in some way that you realize their importance
• “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.” – Emerson

Part III: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1 You Can’t Win an Argument

• Principle: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
• If you lose, then you lose. If you win, then you make him feel inferior and hurt his pride
• Instead of arguing, try changing the subject and giving appreciation
• Some people argue for a feeling of importance. Once you give them appreciation and show their importance, they may stop
• Suggestions to prevent a disagreement from becoming an argument
  • Welcome the disagreement – perhaps you were wrong
  • Distrust your first instinctive impression – Our first reaction is to be defensive, instead stay calm
  • Learn first – Try to understand. Let them finish before arguing. There may be a misunderstanding
  • Look for areas of agreement – first dwell on points that you agree on
  • Be honest – Look for areas where you are wrong and apologize
  • Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully
  • Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest – Since they are disagreeing they must be interested. Think of them as trying to help you
  • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

2 A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It

• Principle: “Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong”.”
• Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
• “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.” – Galileo
• “One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.” – Socrates
• First use a phrase like “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
• Admitting you might be wrong will inspire your opponent to be fair and open-minded. They will be more likely to admit their mistakes too.
• When we are told we are wrong it is not the ideas that are threatened, but our self-esteem
• Always try to first understand the other person instead of reacting emotionally
• Try phrases like “I think”, “I believe”, “My current understanding” instead of stating things as fact
• Instead, ask questions to slowly lead them to your way of thinking. They may even think the idea is theirs

3 If You’re Wrong, Admit It

• Principle: “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.”
• People want a feeling of importance. When you condemn yourself they can adopt a magnanimous attitude of showing mercy
• Beat them to it. Say about yourself the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking. It’s better to hear it from you than them and chances are that they will be more forgiving
• There is satisfaction in having the courage to admit your mistakes

4 A Drop of Honey

• Principle: “Begin in a friendly way.”
• “…people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly…”
• “…if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.”
• “…kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than blustering and storming”

5 The Secret of Socrates

• Principle: “Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.”
• Don’t begin by discussing the points where you disagree. Start by emphasizing the things that you agree on
• “The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listener moving in the affirmative direction.”
• The more “Yeses” we get at the start, the more likely we are to change their thinking
• “…it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes yes'”
• Socratic Method: Ask questions to which the opponent has to agree. Keep winning one admission after the other. With your questions lead them to embracing the conclusion they would have previously denied

6 The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

• Principle: “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.”
• Let people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do.
• If you interrupt them then they wont pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own
• Listen patiently and encourage them to express their ideas fully
• “…when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they… feel inferior and envious.” Only mention your achievements if they ask.

7 How to Get Cooperation

• Principle: “Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.”
• Instead of telling them your conclusion, make suggestions and let the other person come to it on their own
• Listen to them and incorporate their ideas

8 A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You

• Principle: “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.”
• “Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them.”
• Show that you consider the other peron’s ideas as important as your own
• Successfully dealing with people is dependent on understanding their viewpoint
• Think it through from the other person’s point of view – Ask “Why should this person want to do it?”
• Try to understand before hand, what you want to say and what that other person (from their interests and motives) is likely to answer

9 What Everybody Wants

• Principle: “Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.”
• Try this phrase “I don’t blame you at all for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
• Be sincere – if you were them you would feel like them!
• Many people you meet are craving sympathy. Give it to them
• People are products of their upbringing. Sympathize for the people that turned out duds – rude, selfish, mean, cruel, annoying
• Instead of arguing, try apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view. They might start sympathizing with yours in return
• Before asking someone to do something you know they won’t like to do. Give them a little praise and sympathy first

10 An Appeal That Everybody Likes

• Principle: “Appeal to the nobler motives.”
• “The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.”
• People like to think of motives that sound good
• “…in order to change people, appear to the nobler motives.”
• Convince them “It’s the right thing to do”

11 The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

• Principle: “Dramatize your ideas.”
• Make what you say vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Use showmanship.

12 When Nothing Else Works, Try This

• Principle: “Throw down a challenge.”
• People have a desire to excel. Give them a challenge.
• People love a chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win. – It makes them feel important

Part IV: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense of Arousing Resentment

1 If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin

• Principle: “Begin with praise and honest appreciation.”
• It is always easier to hear unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points

2 How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated For It

• Principle: “Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.”
• Use “and” instead of “but”. Begin your criticism with sincere praise “and” then give constructive feedback
  • Ex: Your things was good (but → and) I think you could make it even better by going X

3 Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

• Principle: “Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.”
• It’s easier to hear a list of your faults if the other person begins by humbly admitting that they too are far from impeccable
• If you accidentally start with criticism, then do the next best thing – praise after

4 No One Likes to Take Orders

• Principle: “Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.”
• Give suggestions, not orders
• This technique saves a peron’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance
• Asking questions makes an order more palatable. It also stimulates creativity of the person you ask (they will be more likely to cooperate and think of ideas)
• “People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

5 Let the Other Person Save Face

• Principle: “Let the other person save face.”
• “Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
• You can help alleviate the sting by saying some considerate things and genuinely understanding the other person’s attitude

6 How to Spur People On to Success

• Principle: “Praise the slightest improvement and praise ever improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.””
• To change behavior use praise instead of condemnation. Praise the slightest improvements. This will inspire them to keep improving
• Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative reinforcement
• “…when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.”
• Try to be specific in your praise. It is more sincere and gives them a higher feeling of importance

7 Give a Dog a Good Name

• Principle: “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.”
• “…if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics.”
• Give them a fine reputation to live up to – “assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop”

8 Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

• Principle: “Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.”
• “…be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has undeveloped [potential] for it.”

9 Making People Glad to Do What You Want

• Principle: “Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”
• Keep the following guidelines in mind
  • “Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.”
  • “Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.”
  • “Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.”
  • “Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.”
  • “When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.”